The Secret of the Perfect Handshake

The ritual of the handshake is powerful and rich with symbolic significance. It’s something you do without even thinking about it, and it profoundly affects your relationships: you walk up to another person and shake hands. A handshake allows you to form a first impression of that person or, if you have met them before, to form an impression of them for that interaction. 

In Western cultures, shaking hands is used to greet another person and “seal” a contract or promise. The handshake is also the quickest, most effective way to establish rapport with another person. Research in the United States shows it takes an average of three hours of continuous interaction to develop the same level of rapport that you get with a handshake.

Why do you think we shake hands? We shake hands to show we hold no weapon. It is thought to have started with the Roman arm clasp. One man would reach out his right hand—his weapon hand—and clasp just below the elbow of the man he was greeting. With this greeting neither person could yield a weapon easily. Medieval knights created the shaking part of the handshake because they knew that other knights hid daggers in their sleeves, and that shaking would dislodge any hidden weapons. So basically handshakes are weapons checks: Are you packing any weapons? Let me check. Nope. Okay, let’s talk.

This interpretation would also explain why, until quite recently, it was chiefly males who practiced handshaking. For men a strong grip signifies male bonding through a silent display of competitive power. But up until recently most men, especially in the South, were taught to wait for the women to extend her hand. Why? Because to extend his hand would be making the assumption she was packing heat, and that would be insulting. It used to be that offering one’s hand to a woman would carry the outrageous implication that the “gentler sex,” too, could be dangerous.

Things are different now. With the exception of women in Kentucky and Tennessee, women across the country prefer for men to extend their hand and give them a handshake. The majority say that when a man does not offer his hand, it makes her feel she is not respected or seen as an equal.

Although the handshake is rapidly becoming an internationally accepted business greeting, Americans shake hands more often than the people of other cultures. The handshake can serve as an important verb in your body language vocabulary. Few things can create such an effective first impression as an easily given, gracious handshake, but unless your father took you aside and gave you tips as a teenager, most likely no one told you the ideal way to shake hands. Based on my research, here is the best way in American culture to have the perfect handshake.

The Perfect Handshake

• Rise, if seated. That rule used to apply to men only; now women should rise as well. If you remain seated when someone is introduced to you, the communication of personal indifference is unmistakable, not to mention offensive. The only approved exception to rising to shake hands is if you are eating. If that is the case, you can wait to shake hands till after you are done.
• Walk up to the person with confidence. Keep your head level and your hands at your side. Be sure to keep your hands out of your pockets. Research indicates that we don't trust people with hands in their pockets. Make sure your right hand is free to shake hands. Always shift any purses, briefcases, papers, beverages or cell phones to your left hand before you begin the greeting.
• Smile briefly. Don't overdo it. If you smile too long or too much, you are perceived as submissive. An over-extended smile can create negative impressions, such as “overeager,” “easily manipulated” or “not intelligent.” Women need to take special care not to overextend the smile as it can reduce personal power and can be misinterpreted.
• Make eye contact. There is a substantial amount of research showing that good eye contact increases feelings of trust. Don't stare, but don't look at your shoes. Making eye contact as you approach lets the person know you want to interact. Men need to extend the eye contact for a least three seconds without blinking or looking away as they shake hands. Women need to be careful of holding eye contact for more than three to five seconds at a time with men they have not met before.
• Face the person heart-to-heart. When you stand at an angle and don’t face the person squarely, you are sending the symbolic message that you are not being straight and open. You may look as if you need to protect yourself, you do not like the other person or you feel the need to reduce the intimacy or the duration of the interaction.
• If you have a problem with clammy hands, don’t forget to wipe them on your handkerchief or tissue before you shake hands. And at social functions, carry any iced drinks in your left hand, so your right will not be cold and damp when a handshake is called for.
• Strike out your right hand and arm across your body to your right. The forcefulness and confidence of the move lets the other person know you not only want to shake hands, you look forward to it.
• Make sure the arm goes fully outward as an arm held closely to the body indicates timidity and lack of confidence.
• Make sure your hand is straight up with the thumb on top. The thumb on top is symbolic; it indicates you want equality in your interaction. No one person will dominate. You will respect the other person and expect him or her to respect you.
• Stretch out and open your hand between the thumb and the first finger so that you slide your hand easily into the web of the other person's hand. Make sure the rest of your fingers are together with your palm flat rather than cupped so palm can touch palm.
• Make palm-to-palm contact. Open palms symbolically show a desire to be open and honest in your interactions; not giving a person contact with your palm in a handshake is read subliminally as a lack of openness and honesty. It’s why we hate a wimpy handshake. It makes the other person nervous and he or she may wonder what you are hiding.
• Once full contact is made, wrap your fingers around the other person’s, put your thumb down gently, lock thumbs and squeeze the hand firmly. The pressure should be equal or at the most slightly more than the pressure you are given. Never grip the other’s hand in a contest of macho handshaking to see who can hold the hardest or longest. You want to have a firm handshake, but the rule is to match the pressure or add no more than two steps in pressure.

Not surprisingly, recent academic research indicates a firm handshake that has strength and vigor, with appropriate eye contact length and completeness of grip, is related to a favorable first impression.

The handshake is a potent element in communicating your personality and intent. It speaks volumes about who you really are and what you actually think. So smile and reach out your hand for the perfect handshake.